Healing an Insecure Attachment Through Mindfulness
Early in my career as a therapist, I worked extensively with people involved in the criminal justice system. I saw a lot of casualties of insecure attachment during that time, although I didn’t fully recognize it then. One of my patients met the criteria for separation anxiety. When I brought this to my supervisor, she pointed out that clinicians could not diagnose separation anxiety in adults at that time.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the latest edition of the DSM and found that Separation Anxiety is now recognized in adults. Because “Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder” is such a new term, researchers have not yet completed studies linking ASAD to insecure attachment, specifically the anxious attachment style. Clinicians have observed, however, that people with ASAD tend to show a heightened need for approval and a preoccupation with relationship attachment styles.
What is a secure attachment and why is it important?
It was only when I became a parent that I began to truly understand the significance of secure attachment. Attachment forms first between an infant and their primary caregiver. The caregiver’s ability to meet the infant’s needs, even when the infant cannot verbalize them, is what builds that bond. When a parent cannot do this consistently, the attachment bond does not form. The result is that the child grows up with a diminished ability to participate in healthy relationships.
Insecure attachment in childhood can also create other challenges in adult life. Some of the issues I most commonly see include difficulty regulating emotions, a lack of resiliency when facing setbacks or failures, and trouble staying present and mindful of one’s own feelings.
How Insecure Attachment Shows Up in Adult Relationships
Probably the biggest challenge for people who did not form a secure attachment early in life is that healthy relationships feel out of reach. They experience deep difficulty connecting with others, and that struggle brings up feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, and fear. Many of these individuals also carry a profound sense of frustration. They want connection. They reach for it. And yet something always seems to get in the way.
How Mindfulness Helps Heal Insecure Attachment
Mindfulness practice can be extremely useful for someone experiencing symptoms that stem from insecure attachment. Through mindfulness work, clients learn to live in the present moment rather than relying on avoidance tactics they developed to escape uncomfortable emotions. Mindfulness teaches a way of life. It allows the practitioner to observe painful memories or emotions and accept them as part of their experience. Those memories and emotions do not have to define who we are today or who we will be in the future.